IUI #5 Update

I don't have any big plans for this post.  I will simply speak from the heart.  I am 12 days past IUI #5 today and just received my 25th big fat negative.  In 26 cycles, I have never been so sure that I was pregnant. I really let myself get excited this time.

And I don't regret that.  It turns out that it's more fun to get excited and have it end in disappointment than it is to not expect the miracle and still be disappointed.

In these harder days, I try to focus on gratitude. I'm beyond grateful for my precious, spunky, 3 year old sidekick. I'm grateful for phenomenal friends- those who are going through this, who have been through this, and those who haven't, but always send me love. I'm grateful for the quiet hug from my husband this morning. I'm grateful for my hope in Jesus and that He always picks me right back up.

Some of you who read this don't have any children yet. Some of you have much worse medical diagnoses than unexplained secondary infertility. I want you to know that I acknowledge that daily... and not in a way to make myself feel better. I want you to know that I pray for you all who are in my same situation and for those whose circumstances are worse. I pray for your marriages, I pray for peace, love, and comfort, I pray for you to seek Jesus in the darkness, and I pray that you all have the support of those in your circle of family and friends. All of you, dealing with any form of this, will always hold a special place in my heart and in my prayers. I wish nothing but arms full of babies for all of you!  I wish I could be the Oprah of baby miracles. "YOU get a baby and YOU get a baby and YOU get a baby!!"

Moving forward, the plan is to do one more IUI before bringing out the big guns (IVF).  I pray this last IUI gives us our miracle, but I am not putting any more pressure on it than any of the previous IUIs. The only thing I'll be doing any differently is leaning on Him more than I ever have before. I feel like I need Him more than ever. I am craving His presence, His peace, and His comfort.

Thank you for visiting here where I can share my heart with you. Read more great stuff over at the Amateur Nester!

Child-like Faith

While I have been praying for a baby for almost two years now, only recently did I feel prompted to invite my little girl (now 3 and a half) to pray with me. A little over a month ago, we started praying together- morning and night- that Jesus would give her a brother or a sister.

After about a week, Berkley stopped me right after we made our request and said "no, mommy, ask Jesus for a brother AND a sister."  I smiled wide at her precious, bold, child-like faith. Her heart so whole and hopeful that she believes anything is possible. Unlike my slightly broken, heart that has let fear and disappointment cloud the vision of my spirit. I was so proud of her faith that Jesus could give us not just one, but TWO babies, that her prayer became my prayer. Of COURSE I would be over the moon if God gave us a single baby, but how wonderful if the Lord gave us what Berkley so boldly asked. It would be a miracle that our family would be reminding each other of for the rest of our lives.

At the very least, her request for such a miracle was a reminder to me of how God wants us to view him from the awe-struck, excited eyes of a child.  Every time we pray for "a brother and a sister", I'm reminded to pray expectantly and try to hold on to that child-like faith in other areas of my life.

Matthew 18:2-4

And Jesus called a little child unto him, and set him in the midst of them, And said, Verily I say unto you, except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

I have a student's spirit. Always looking for knowledge and new things to learn. Constantly reading and soaking up information on whatever I can get my hands on. I want to teach Berkley everything I know, especially everything I know and am learning about the Lord. But it was such a beautiful moment that I got to learn a lesson from her.  And I'm sure it won't be the last.

Fast forward about three more weeks and, once again, she interrupts our prayer and says, "Mommy, why hasn't Jesus given me a brother or sister?" It was difficult not to laugh about the fact that after about four short weeks of praying for a baby, she was asking the same question I have been asking for over a year. I explained that sometimes we have to wait on Jesus, but to keep on praying and asking, I kissed her goodnight, closed her door and thought about how she must have just made Jesus smile.

I can't wait for the day that I get to tell her Jesus has answered our prayers!  In the meantime, I realize that patience isn't really a virtue in this family :)

QUICK UPDATE! IUI #5 was last week and went very well... now, the waiting...

Holding on Tight

My mom stayed home with me and my sister throughout our entire childhood.  She was a wonderful mother.  She made us laugh a lot with her silly songs and goofy dance moves.  She always let us know that she loved us and that she loved being with us. Some of my best memories were spent in the car, going from place to place.  That's where she taught me to be slow to anger.  If someone mistreated me or my sister or even my mom, we would discuss why that person might have behaved the way that they did. She taught me how to identify if someone was jealous or unhappy or insecure. We sure did have a lot of deep conversations in that car! For my mom, it was important to find the reason why someone had inflicted pain so that she could forgive and move on. This skill has been very valuable to me as it taught me to take a step back, gather my thoughts, sort out my feelings, put myself in other's shoes, and figure out how I should respond before doing so.

Another thing I remember from those car rides was my mom throwing her arm in front of whoever was in the passenger seat, saying "hold on tight!"  We were usually making a last minute turn or pulling out in front of another car. We would usually laugh at how she used her arm to try to protect us as if it would really do much good in the event of an actual accident.  She would laugh with us and say that she couldn't help it, "it's just a mother's instinct."

This journey of infertility has been like one, crazy, car ride!  I have felt like that little girl, talking with my mom about how much this hurts and what I could do to fix the problem.  I've analyzed every emotion, every fear, every possible cause.  I've thought of every possible reason why God has allowed this in my life.  I've looked for and found the good in this trial.  I've searched my heart for idols and anything unpleasing to the Lord. I've worked on being a better mom, a better wife.  I've tried surrendering and guessing the will of God. 

It's been a LONG ride.  I'm exhausted from all the charting, the dieting, the emotional roller coaster, the thinking, the guessing, questioning God, my faith, my marriage... And I have no idea if it's almost over.  But I know it WILL end.  Every mile is one mile closer to the end of the ride.

As of a few days ago, IUI #4 is a confirmed failure. I used to be pretty devastated over news like that every month.  But now, I feel like that little girl in the passenger seat. All conversation- the questioning, the analyzing, the guessing stops, and God throws His arm out to protect my heart and says "Hold on tight! Don't let go of that joy!  Don't take your eyes off of Me for one second! We will be there soon. I promise."

He promised.

Worship the Lord your God, and his blessing will be on your food and water. I will take away sickness from among you, and none will miscarry or be barren in your land. I will give you a full life span. Exodus 23:25-26

Instead of feeling the cyclical disappointment and despair of another failed cycle, I just feel like worshipping Him and thanking Him that I am one step closer to the fulfilled promise.

I read further:

I will send my terror ahead of you and throw into confusion every nation you encounter. I will make all your enemies turn their backs and run. I will send the hornet ahead of you to drive the Hivites, Canaanites and Hittites out of your way. But I will not drive them out in a single year, because the land would become desolate and the wild animals too numerous for you. Little by little I will drive them out before you, until you have increased enough to take possession of the land.

I have met the enemy in his many forms.  He came to steal, kill, and destroy. And sometimes he did.  You see, all of that analyzing and questioning and doing this or that to gain more favor in His eyes was just me trying to fight a battle that He has already won. He will make the enemy turn his back and run. He will defeat each obstacle, one by one, but not all at once because my faith needed time to increase before I take possession of what He has promised me.

This is His battle to fight, His victory to be had. I need only worship Him and hold on tight to His promise. And rest in His loving arms.